Two and a Half Men

Seasons

2003

USA

7.1

TV-14

A hedonistic jingle writer's free-wheeling life comes to an abrupt halt when his brother and 10-year-old nephew move into his beach-front house.

Episode List

S1 • E1

Pilot

After 12 years of marriage, Alan's wife Judith, kicks him out and he turns to his older brother Charlie for help. Charlie has trouble altering his carefree lifestyle to accommodate the presence of his 10-year-old nephew Jake.

S1 • E2

Big Flappy Bastards

Alan punishes Jake for an incident at Judith's house. Charlie is lax in enforcing Alan's restrictions, and when some seagulls invade Charlie's house as a result of Jake's actions, Charlie must learn how to discipline his nephew.

Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell

S1 • E3

Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell

Charlie and Alan go out drinking. Alan tries to reconcile with his wife. After that fails, they decide to confront the root of their issues, their mother.

If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap

S1 • E4

If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap

As Charlie tries to write a new jingle, Berta quits, and Alan, leaving Charlie to get Jake ready for a dinner, tries to convince her to come back; Rose tries to get Charlie's help to prepare for a date.

The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump

S1 • E5

The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump

Jake's soccer games lead to Alan and Charlie having encounters with teammates' sexy mothers.

Did You Check with the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?

S1 • E6

Did You Check with the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?

Charlie and Evelyn date members of the same family.

If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake

S1 • E7

If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake

Jake sees a butterfly tattoo on the firm bottom of a surfer-chick friend of Charlie's and draws a picture of it for school. Of course, this enrages Judith until she becomes very good friends with the woman herself.

Twenty-five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful

S1 • E8

Twenty-five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful

After being tricked into helping Alan and Judith produce Jake's class musical, Charlie is flattered to find out that the kids know all the words to his jingles. Alan is blindsided with divorce papers from Judith, causing strife which results in Charlie, who refuses to deal with the pre-pubers without a snootful, having to produce the play on his own. Jake is crushed when he realizes that a reconciliation between his parents might never happen.

S1 • E9

Phase One, Complete

Charlie wants to dump a female friend to whom Jake has grown attached. Alan and Rose bond over a game of Scrabble.

S1 • E10

Merry Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving winds up being the least thankful day of the year for Charlie, who has to bribe various members of his household to even come to a traditional turkey dinner. Not only are the usual feuds in evidence (leading to a turkey-carving right out of "Psycho") but Judith's parents are actually sympathetic to Alan and hostile to their own daughter for her "fling" with lesbianism.

S1 • E11

Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor

Seeing Judith's new look and boyfriend prompts Alan to realize that if he wants to get back into the dating scene, he will need to change his look also.

S1 • E12

Camel Filters and Pheromones

Berta brings her 16-year-old granddaughter to work, which poses issues for the men.

S1 • E13

Sarah Like Puny Alan

Charlie tries to nurse Alan back from the flu because he needs him for a double date with sisters.

S1 • E14

I Can't Afford Hyenas

Charlie's accountant Stan tries to make Charlie understand his desperate financial situation.

S1 • E15

Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick

Charlie falls for a seemingly crazy woman named Frankie--against Alan's advice.

S1 • E16

That Was Saliva, Alan

Now that Frankie has tricked the Harpers into sheltering her and her daughter Joanie, she explains that Bob's parents want her declared mentally incompetent in order to get custody. Charlie wants to dump her, but Alan insists that they must stay. Jake doesn't enjoy the 8-year-old's "romantic" attention. Charlie hates the consolation kisses and compliments, and is stunned when Frankie prefers intimacy with Alan. Charlie rightly warns him that he's just falling for his "damsel in distress", then warns her not to hurt his kid brother.

S1 • E17

Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats

Charlie is offended when Alan chooses their married, responsible cousins as Jake's guardians.

S1 • E18

An Old Flame with a New Wick

Charlie's old flame Jill visits and has really changed: "Jill" has transitioned since Charlie last saw him and is now called Bill. Before Charlie can adapt, Evelyn meets and starts dating Bill.

I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You

S1 • E19

I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You

Judith's sister, Liz, visits for Jake's birthday.

S1 • E20

Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark

Jake plays his electric guitar all day long and doesn't want to do anything else. Alan and Charlie can't figure out why. Jake refuses to discuss anything with anyone, including his grandmother and even a psychologist.

S1 • E21

No Sniffing, No Wowing

Charlie tries to seduce Alan's divorce lawyer Laura, and her assistant. He sleeps with Laura and they decide not to tell Alan anything since it's unethical, considering that Charlie is a participant in the case.

S1 • E22

My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet

Charlie notices that Alan sleepwalks and tries to find out what's causing it and how to deal with it. He asks for help from their mother Evelyn and Jake's psychologist, Dr. Linda Freeman.

S1 • E23

Just Like Buffalo

When Jake repeats to Judith something Charlie said, she refuses to let Alan take Jake for the weekend. Alan tries to talk to Judith, but encounters resistance from her and her friends. It's up to Charlie to set things right.

S1 • E24

Can You Feel My Finger

Charlie is sure he isn't ready for fatherhood after a year of trying to raise Jake, so he opts to have a vasectomy. But when the doctor performing the procedure keeps getting calls from his wife, who's about to give birth, Charlie starts to think about what fatherhood might entail and likes the idea, provided he still has his vital organs intact... in more ways than one.